Chuckles
Contents:
Country Songs
Let there be light...
Ponderous
Surgery
Computer Humor
Man-Bash (R-Rated)
Woman-Bash (R-Rated)
Bedroom Golf (R-Rated)
Gravy Ladle (R-Rated)
Hedgehog (R-Rated)
Actual Country Songs!
1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
And He said Let There Be Light...
In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell....
Ponderous
1.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
3.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
4.
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?
5.
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
6.
Why do they put Braille dots on the key pads of the drive-up ATM machine?
7.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
8.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
9.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10.
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
11.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
12.
If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
13.
You know how most packages say "open here"? What should you do if the package says "open somewhere else"?
14.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15.
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
16.
You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
17.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
18.
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
19.
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
20.
What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
21.
If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
22.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change......!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
"There's no place like home"
